


good things and true happiness

by Lymans



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Spoilers for The New Captain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-24 00:46:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4899064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lymans/pseuds/Lymans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Amy Santiago was cautious. Caution never failed her. Except now she was sat in her apartment alone on a Thursday night feeling like she had made a truly terrible mistake."</p>
<p>Amy's perspective in the events leading up to "screw light and breezy." Spoilers for 3x01.</p>
            </blockquote>





	good things and true happiness

**Author's Note:**

> How great was that episode? It was so worth the horribly long wait and I am pumped for this season!
> 
> As an avid Amy fan, I was delighted that we finally got to hear her feelings for Jake, and her speech gave me a serious case of the warm and fuzzies. The fact she showed up at his door has ruined me, and I had to write something about how she found herself there. 
> 
> The inspiration for this came from a quote from Bertrand Russell. As a Philosophy grad, I am overjoyed I've managed to tie my degree into my B99 obsession.

> _"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." -Bertrand Russell_

Amy Santiago was cautious.

She always had been, ever since she was a little girl and Alex and Edgar tried to get her to try out the tire swing they’d made in the backyard from a worn tyre and an old piece of rope.  To this day she remembered eyeing it carefully with its fraying edges and the creaking branch before firmly passing on their offer. Ten minutes later, when Alex’s cries of pain had echoed up to her bedroom window, she had felt a rush of satisfaction at a decision well made before hurrying downstairs to see the damage – a broken arm leaving him unable to do his schoolwork, six-year-old Amy’s worst nightmare.

Her caution had led her well throughout her life and it was what made her such a good detective. While other cops rushed over evidence and jumped to the first conclusion, Amy took her time, weighed every piece of information, and carefully formed a judgement.

Caution never failed her.

Except now she was sat in her apartment alone on a Thursday night feeling like she had made a truly terrible mistake.

The past twenty-four hours were an emotional whirlwind and her entire life seemed to have been upheaved in front of her eyes. Holt was gone. The man who had guided her and helped her become a better detective and person had left with no explanation. Then his replacement, a neurotic work-obsessed nightmare, only served to show why Holt was so important, not just to her but to the Nine-Nine as a whole. Back in the days of McGinley, she would have adored someone like Dozerman with his crazed work ethic and drive for efficiency. Today though, it merely left her and everyone else stressed and unhappy.

And then there was Jake.

It was that whole mess in particular that had her sat on the sofa with a sinking feeling in her stomach.

In forty-eight hours Jake had gone from being the guy she liked to the guy she kissed undercover to the guy she kissed for reals. They’d been on a date, slept together, made out at work, revealed their relationship to the squad, and broken up.

There were couples in soap operas that didn’t move that fast.

Amy knew her decision to end things was rational and sensible. How could any relationship that started so badly possibly go well? In her life, she had had her fair share of bad relationships but none of them had led to her boss yelling at her and a man _dying_. If that wasn’t a sign that Jake and her were doomed, she didn’t know what was.

However, all that logic and reason wasn’t doing anything to ease the nauseous feeling growing in her stomach nor the tears that had stubbornly refused to stop stinging in her eyes since she had walked away from Jake.  

For the first time in a long time, Amy had no idea what to do or how to fix everything.

Automatically, she grabbed her phone off the table to reach out to someone who she could talk everything through with, someone who could help her move beyond her anxiety and over-thinking to see clearly, but then she stopped. The irony of this whole situation was that the only person she wanted to talk any of this through with was Jake.

When she had first arrived at the Nine-Nine, nervous and thrilled to have been promoted to detective, she had hated her partner almost immediately due to his lax attitude and his childish behaviour. There had been points where she had found herself anxiously hovering outside McGinley’s office with a transfer request form in her hand in a desperate attempt to get away from him. But then she had begun to notice what an excellent detective he was and her irritation had slowly changed to respect, which Jake, with his wide smile and endearing attitude, had managed to eventually turn into actual friendship. And, somehow, he had ended up becoming the person she trusted most of all out of the madcap group she worked with.

All she wanted was to talk through the insanity of the past twenty-four hours with him over Chinese food and whatever terrible TV was on his DVR but she couldn’t because she had thrown that all away. She was the one who decided they should end things, the one who walked away, and now she had to suffer the consequences of her decision. 

It was that thought, amongst all the cluttered thoughts that had passed  through her brain, which made Amy stop.

When it came to her work, there were a lot of bad things. Every day she saw the worst humanity could do to each other and talked to people who showed no remorse for their terrible actions. She destroyed people’s worlds by delivering heart-breaking news and saw lives end far _far_ too early. And sometimes she failed and was left to simply watch as her mistakes cost lives. She loved her job but that didn't soften the pain and suffering and darkness that came with it. 

Jake, though, Jake was a good thing. In amongst all the horror they dealt with, he was the good thing that brightened up her day and made her smile. If she was in a terrible mood, he was the one who knew exactly the right thing to say to cheer her up. When a case broke her and left her questioning herself and the world around her, he was the one who could remind her why they got up in the morning. And when she doubted herself and her abilities, he always knew how to support her and help her regain her confidence.

Jake was her good thing.

It made no sense that someone like him, someone who had been abandoned and hurt time and time again, existed in the world they lived in. All the pain he had been through and witnessed should have shaped him into something hard and cold. Instead he was softness and warmth and light. Whenever she was scared or unsure, he was the person who made her see exactly what she needed to do to keep going.

The idea of throwing away someone that important to her and never giving them the chance at true happiness because she was afraid of what could happen left her more terrified than she had ever been in her life.  

When she thought of being with Jake, of giving them a real go, she could think of numerous reasons not to. They worked together and dating could damage everything they had already built. If it fell apart, if they hurt each other, then their friendship and partnership would be left in ruins. Logically, she knew the best and safest thing to do would be to just stay colleagues and friends.

Yet suddenly it felt like logic and caution were leading her towards the wrong decision. Because if the sensible decision was one that left her alone and sad, missing her best friend and a chance at real happiness, then it wasn’t the decision she wanted to make.

Later she wouldn’t remember lacing up her sneakers or grabbing her coat off the hook. She wouldn’t remember hailing a cab or giving the driver Jake’s address. And she wouldn’t remember standing outside his apartment door, her heart pounding in her chest and her hands shaking from nerves. Later, the only thing she would remember was the look – _that_ look – on his face as she threw caution to the wind and told him how she felt. It wasn’t a particularly eloquent speech – she knew she could have done better with her laptop and a couple of hours – but she couldn’t care because he was looking at her with that smile that let her know it was all worth it.

Screw being cautious. Screw being logical. Screw light and breezy.

Sometimes there were more important things than being cautious.

Jake was more important.


End file.
